Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.