I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
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i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Would you wear it?
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.