I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
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ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
I’m not average. I’m mean.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.