My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
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me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I was just discussing this with my cat
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.