People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
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Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
How high do the levels go?
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”