I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
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Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”