Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
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My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this