He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
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Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
How about daylight saves us for once
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
the answer was staring at me all along
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.