What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
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Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
The Weeknd is back
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
no regrets
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?