Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
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God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
reviewed some movies recently
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.