[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
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sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently