Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
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Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.