People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
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Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017