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My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer