Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
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[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
What the hell happened here.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?