my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
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[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
How do you like your Corgi?
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.