*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
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i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.