3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
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Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores