“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
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If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb