2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
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just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
#Caturday
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
The funk soul brother
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.