If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
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People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Genius idea!!
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes