If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
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Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?