him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
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I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.