you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
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They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.