you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
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doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
2022 will be better than 2021
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
being a writer on Twitter:
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree