hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
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(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
adding to the discourse
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*