I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
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The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Ferrari squats
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Canada has crack?
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom