“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
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Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Breaking news:
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”