Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
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I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.