So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
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*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.