*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
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Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
How can I say no to this ?
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Natty or not?
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here