*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
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Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Usage Guidelines
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes