I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
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[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”