Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
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I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.