DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
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Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.