I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
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Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.