I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
You Might Also Like
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”