[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
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plant them where lol
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.