If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
You Might Also Like
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
If you鈥檙e happy and you know it….it鈥檚 the wine.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Me checking my bank balance online.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Fine I鈥檒l bite, what鈥檚 this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone鈥檚 bathroom for a few minutes
Moses: 馃幎gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free馃幎
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We鈥檙e literally being chased
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.