I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
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Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.