found my next D&D character name
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Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.