Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
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Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
The funk soul brother
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”