My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
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My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED