My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
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cry laughing at this shit
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on