The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
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If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.