Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
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me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you