observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
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Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.