So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
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Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Whoa 😂
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names