At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
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being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Respect
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.