Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
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Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
So that’s what we looked like?
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Leonardo DiCaprisun
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.